“My favorite band would have to be Led Zeppelin. Favorite song? Probably Dazed and Confused or Kashmir.”

He then proceeded to tell me that he wants a guitar just like Paul Gilbert’s. “it’s bright red, electric, and it’s an Ibanez. Just what I want.”

Then he goes, “Paul Gilbert’s kinda like Jimmy Page”

Then proceeded to tell me how Jimi Hendrix died.

I LOVE THIS KID SO MUCH HOLY CRAP.

It’s literally my favorite piercing, and I’ve had it for over a year.

But I can see gum erosion on one of my bottom teeth, and I really don’t want to run the risk of losing a tooth over a piercing.

I just find it so aesthetically pleasing, and it feels like such a natural part of me that I’d feel empty without it.

Meh.

I fear it will soon drain my life of everything good.

I realize it’s on my mind almost constantly at this point. 

I experienced my first severe attack the first night at Coachella music festival a few weekends ago. It started off with feeling itchy and swollen all over my body. I became paranoid thinking I was having some sort of an allergic reaction…I left one of my favorite bands EVER because it was so bad. Everything felt overwhelming, everything was spinning. I feared for my sanity and physical well being. Went to get help at the medical tent and the man I was talking to assumed I was on drugs- hadn’t touched anything at all. I wanted to go home at that point. I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t feel in touch with anything, nothing felt real. I finally got back to the tent. I felt sick and scared….TERRIFIED was more like it. I was shaking. Hot one minute, freezing the next. I felt like I was going to die. I envisioned myself being institutionalized. I kept thinking, “how am I ever going to do anything I love ever again?” It was so bad that I had to call my mom and have her comfort me. It lasted for about an hour or so…I remember feeling terrified to leave the tent and go back out into a crowd of people, lights, and sounds. Stephanie, being the amazing friend that she is, was with me the whole time. I ended up gathering myself enough to be able to go out and see the final performance of the night. The next morning I still felt out of it, detached from everything.

I was lucky enough not to experience other attacks for the rest of the weekend, I just did my best to keep my mind off of it and enjoy the beautiful sights and sounds around me. 

This had only ever happened to me once before a few months ago. I was eating breakfast with Stephanie at the union and suddenly experienced tunnel vision, my heart was racing, and I felt severe anxiety and paranoia associated with thoughts that I was going to die. The difference is that that time, it lasted for five minutes- whereas at Coachella, it must have lasted for at least an hour.

People tend to use the word anxiety very lightly- but after having these experiences, I’ve learned, personally, the true definition and severity of anxiety. 

It is becoming a part of my everyday life. Though I’ve not had an attack since Coachella, I think about it almost every day. The experience was so terrifying that I now live in fear that it could happen again at any given moment. I stop and reevaluate my decision to go and do certain things I wouldn’t have thought twice about before. I’ve been travelling on my own for almost two years now. I’m supposed to fly out to see my family tomorrow, and all I can think about is how horrible it would be to experience it on an airplane…by myself.

This thought plagues so many plans I’ve had for so long.

I fear treatment almost as much as I fear living this way forever.

It’s an extraordinarily depressing thing to deal with. I hate it more than anything.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I talked to my mom and we decided I should go see a doctor. She has noticed this part of me ever since I was a kid, and has always tried to have me seek help. I’ve never liked the idea…but I’m finally doing it, and I’m really nervous about it.

It seems like this is something that will only, and has only, gotten worse over time.

If any of you deal with any form of an anxiety disorder and have any advice for me, I would appreciate it more than you know. I feel lost.